The Strip Poker Kit: Excerpt

The Strip Poker Kit
by John Vorhaus

Etiquette

strip poker kitThings can get hot and heavy in the middle of a strip poker game — at least they will if you’re doing it right. As the clothes start flying and oft-obscured body parts start seeing light of day, it’s important to remember that, hey, nobody’s perfect. F’rinstance…

— That tattoo of Michael Jackson must have seemed like a good idea at the time.

— Emergency appendectomies will leave a scar.

— Most six-pack abs eventually turn into a keg.

Naked people are vulnerable, so be nice. Say unto others as you would have them say unto you — even if you have to spin it some…

— “What a fine crop of back hair!”

— “Toenail fungus? I thought it was art.”

— “You have very sexy elbows.”

What you don’t say is important, too. When someone girthy and self-conscious sits down, for example, it’s not the height of etiquette to ask where their navel went. Or if you’ve seen someone’s something somewhere before (on certain internet websites, say), think twice before bringing up the subject.

Speaking of subjects coming up, certain biological reactions are natural and unavoidable. Don’t make a big deal about them. Just note that, “Timmy’s little soldier has come to attention,” and carry on with the game.

And don’t stare. It’s never polite to stare.

Strip poker etiquette absolutely demands…

  • Think before you drink. There’s nothing wrong with mental lubrication, but hurling on your playmates is bound to kill the buzz.
  • If you catch someone hiding an ace up their sleeve, kindly ask them to remove their sleeve.
  • Ladies, we were born with that. We may not be proud of it, but it’s all we’ve got, so please don’t laugh.
  • Men, of course they sag. If you had them, they’d sag too.
  • Never congratulate one of your female foes on being pregnant unless you’re quite certain that she is.
  • Don’t scratch. Whatever itches, it can wait.
  • She’s not fat, she’s “Reubenesque.”
  • He’s not pasty, he’s “responsibly avoiding skin cancer.”
  • If something falls on the floor, leave it there. Trust me: no one wants to see you stoop.
  • If you feel you need mood-altering chemicals – well, so do the rest of us! Be sure you bring enough for everyone.
  • Avoid inappropriate touching.
  • But appropriate touching is perfectly fine.
  • Last but not least, if you fart, blame the dog.

Okay, now that we’ve got all the messy social stuff out of the way, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of how to play the game.

JV’S HORNY HOLD’EM

You can’t swing a dead cat these days without hitting a poker show on television. (I know because I’ve tried.) I call these shows poker porn because — like their conventional counterpart — they make the viewer want nothing so much as to go do the thing he’s watching.

If you’ve seen poker on television, and I’m willing to bet dollars to dead cats that you have, the version you’ve seen played is no-limit Texas hold’em. This poker variation has completely swamped all others in terms of popularity. It’s the one you see on TV; the one they play at all the top tournaments; and it’s the game you’ll want to play while you divest your friends of their frocks.

No-limit poker is called no-limit because you can bet anything you want up to everything you’ve got any time you like. That’s some adrenalating shit, my friends, even when your lacy peekaboos are not at stake. And I’m going to show you a hybrid version that lets you bet a combination of chips and clothes with reckless (dare I say) abandon.

Hold’em is deceptively simple; like chess or oral sex, it takes just five minutes to learn but a lifetime to master.

Before the start of play, everyone gets an equal amount of chips (more on this below). On each deal, all players receive two cards face down. These are yours and yours alone, so play ‘em close to your vest, or chest as the case may be, and don’t let anybody see ‘em.

Once everyone has cards, there’s a round of betting, in which players bet, call, raise, or fold in turn.

After the first round of betting, three cards are spread face-up in the middle of the table. These are common cards: Everyone gets to use them in combination with the cards in their hand.

There’s a round of betting, and then another card is placed face-up in the center. After a third round of betting, a fifth and final community card is placed center stage, followed by a final betting round.

Now there are seven cards in play, the five on the board plus the two in your hand. You make your best five-card poker hand using any combination of board cards and your hole cards, and all your little foes do likewise.

Best hand wins. If nobody goes broke on the hand, you move on to the next hand. But — and here’s where the fun starts — if someone does go broke on the hand, they have to ransom their chips back with an article of clothing.
Simple! Easy! Fun! Instead of losing clothes on every hand you play, you only divest your vest when you run out of chips. You swap, in other words, an article of clothing and a fixed percentage of your dignity for the chips you’ll need to get back in the game and re-launch your assault on others’ clothing and dignity.

So, who do you sell your shirt to? The person who beat you on the last hand? The one who has the most chips? The bank? Your local Mafia boss? You make the call: If you buy your chips back from other players, you keep the same amount of chips in play; if you rebuy from the bank, you put more chips in play. Generally speaking, the more chips there are, the less frequently someone will go broke and lose some clothes, but that’s not always true: If you and your pals are aggressive bettors and/or enthusiastic ecdysiasts, you could all be going all-in on every hand.

And then the fur (metaphorically speaking) will fly.

Obviously, the more times you go broke, the quicker you go naked, but the beauty of JV’s Horny Hold’em is that it makes the betting meaningful. In old-school strip poker, you just got your cards and took your chances. With this version, you can use real poker elements like bluffing, trapping, slow-playing, and check-raising in your quest to reveal the rosy bits.

The better you are at defending your chip stack, the longer you stay dressed; the better you are at weeviling other players’ chips away, the sooner they feel the draft. Now, for the first time in human history, real skill comes into play in strip poker!

Don’t thank me. I define myself through service.

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